Support a Survivor
Most often, a survivor of domestic violence or teen dating violence will seek help from their support networks, including relatives, friends and neighbors. The manner in which friends and family respond can have a powerful impact on a survivor’s life.
Please remember that you must remain safe – if you are not safe, you will not be able to help the survivor. If immediate safety is a concern, call 911.
Remember that no one can force someone to leave their abuser. While it is possible to help someone in a violent relationship, it is ultimately their decision to change their own life and future.
The ability to demonstrate unconditional acceptance is crucial when helping a survivor to help herself*. Try to suspend judgment when confronting behaviors and attitudes different from yours, be flexible and accept her without imposing your own values and ideals.
The Survivor Reaches Out to You
If an abused woman has reached out to you for help, you will need to listen to her, talk with her, provide her with support and information, and offer to help in whatever way you can. The goal in assisting a survivor of domestic violence should be to help her empower herself to make the best decisions possible.
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Allow her to tell her story.
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Let her know you believe her and want to hear about her experiences.
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Let her know you care about her and are concerned about her safety.
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Support her right to be angry.
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Don’t deny any of her feelings.
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Respect the cultural values and beliefs that affect her behavior.
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Know that she does not need rescuing.
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Help her assess her resources and support systems.
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Maintain contact with her. Physical and psychological isolation are powerful control tactics used by batterers.
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Let her know you are a nonthreatening, concerned ally who is able to see the reality of her situation and still respect her as a person.
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Repeat clear statements about her rights, such as “You don’t deserve to be treated that way."
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Stay away from “you” statements such as “you should”. Instead, use “I” statements such as “I’m concerned.”
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Let the woman know she does not have to endure her situation alone and that she deserves support.
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Offer her the telephone numbers of local resources. Call the SafePlace 24 hour Hotline for information on our services and other local resources.
Helpers Versus Rescuers
In trying to be supportive, others can actually become overprotective to the point that they reinforce feelings of helplessness the abused woman is trying to overcome. Doing too much for someone implies that she is incapable of acting on her own behalf. The more the rescuer accepts the idea that the abused woman is helpless, the more the abused woman is forced into that role. The more helpless and dependent an abused woman feels, the less able she will be to act on her own behalf.
A Helper…
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Believes that an abused woman is in crisis, but with appropriate support, information, and resources can make her own decisions and determine her own fate.
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Listens for requests for help.
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Provides what the woman says she needs.
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Checks in with the woman periodically.
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Establishes and maintains appropriate boundaries.
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Does most of the listening.
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Supports the woman as she makes her own decisions and does her own work.
A Rescuer…
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Believes a battered woman is helpless and needs someone to save her.
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Gives help even when it is not asked for.
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Fails to find out whether the help is welcomed.
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Gives advice instead of information.
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Gives what they decide the survivor needs.
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Does most of the talking and working.
How You can Help Teens
For friends…
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Listen first to what they have to say.
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Talk to them in private and keep what they say confidential.
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Let your friend know why you are concerned.
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Be specific. Refer to incidents you have personally witnessed instead of what you have heard from others.
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Offer to get your friend information.
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Mention other people your friend might talk to - a counselor, a teacher, or another adult they trust.
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Let them know you are available to talk more if they need.
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For Parents…
Parents play a very important role in ending teen dating abuse. Teens in abusive situations truly need the support of their parents. Even in the rockiest parent-teen relationship, the advice of a parent can make a dramatic difference in a teen’s life.
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Ask questions about your teen’s life.
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Listen with an open mind.
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Support your teen as they decide what to do.
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Open up clear channels of communication.
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Be calm and take positive action.
* Since most domestic violence occurs to women, this section will refer to women as the survivor.
The above information was taken with permission from “When Violence Begins at Home” by K.J. Wilson, Ed.D.